It’s Always the What Ifs…

I have a mild obsession with Lifetime’s Married at First Sight. I stumbled upon it by accident. I was playing cable commandos last winter and these two Black couples caught my eye. I’m guessing this was episode two or three because I caught the show right on the wedding day episode. I was hooked right then and there. I even got my mom hooked on it. So now I’m prepared. Season thirteen is approaching and I won’t miss one minute of it. It’s the commercials that have reeled me all the way in this time though. One of the new brides is walking down the aisle and saying “oh my God! It’s Johnny!” So now I’m about to lose my shit because the show is called married at FIRST SIGHT, but she clearly knows this dude. But how does she know him? Well y’all know by now, my ass is over here overthinking the entire situation. I start with ‘she used to date him!’ But I had to rule that out because she said on another commercial that she gave the therapists a long list of guys who she wouldn’t even let her dog marry. But could she have accidentally left one out? Or maybe it wasn’t an accident. Maybe one or two of her exes weren’t that bad after all. She could possibly see herself doubling back with one of them.

I’m in total agreement with the exclusion list. Every main character in my book Caution: Dating in L.A. may Cause Excessive Drinking is an absolute NO GO for me. Chauncey and Tramelle? Add them both to the cancelation list. And just for good measure, add in anybody with the name or nickname Dre. I’ve dealt with enough of them to know that it will NEVER work out. But there are definitely a few that I would “accidentally” leave off the list as well. Ezekiel is the first to come to mind. I wrote a whole book on Fuck Boys and the likes, but I was absolutely a Fuck Girl to Eze. Let me set the scene because I know you’re totally judging me right now.

I met Eze at Jamba Juice one morning. He was the one who introduced me to their secret menu. But all I could do with him was swap recipes in the early mornings. I was married to Lamar’s dumb ass. The last thing I needed was to add another man into my toxic lifestyle. But it was nice chatting with him. That was pretty much the only time I felt normal in those eight months of marriage. After I’d leave Jamba Juice, I would either be heading to my job at the strip club or headed to the Hilton to pick up some money from a prostitute. DON’T ASK. I’m getting a headache as all these memories are flooding back to me. Lamar and I were wild and reckless ASF.

So boom. Eight months fly by, and I’m back in L.A. staying with my homegirl Rasheeda. I wasn’t ready to face my mom. She told me not to run off to Vegas and marry Lamar in the first place. For a split second I was thinking about going back to my Orange county apartment to try and work shit out with my husband. Yes, the fist fights, the pimping, and the verbal abuse were all present. But I missed those good days of being a wife. The times we would open up that Jordans shoe box with all the twenties and hundreds inside and throw them at each other. The times we would try to cook an intricate ass meal out of our cookbook. That one time I got food poisoning and he waited on me hand and foot. I faked sick for one extra day because he was never that attentive to me. Lamar was my person. Nobody understood me like him. My dumb ass snapped out of that dizzy ass way of thinking real quick. I tried to sneak back into my apartment after three weeks of being absent to get more clothes. I found all of my shit cut to shreds. My clothes, the couch, even the damn refrigerator cord. I laid in my heap of mangled threads and cried. This was my life, inside and out.

I was different when I finally got up off the floor and left that apartment for good. I was mean, cold, and very much bruised. I tried to keep my distance from everybody but no one would let me. Eze was one of those people. After badgering me for weeks about papayas and soy milk, I finally revealed to him that I was going through a divorce. I should have added that I probably would never get married ever again. But I left that bit of info out, making him believe that since I’d been married before, I was marriage material. I was nothing of the sort. But I said yes when he asked me to be his girlfriend. Eze was a great catch as well as being easy on the eyes. He had one daughter with an unproblematic baby mother. Worked two quality jobs and had a roofing business of his own. One of the perks of job number two was plane tickets anywhere! He also knew all the best Thai food restaurants in the whole state of California. Most importantly, he was good to me. I, on the other hand, was terrible to him.

I craved more excitement. I even pondered with starting my escort business back up. I was hanging with a local pill popper who dreamed of being a pornstar. He was practically begging me to turn him out. But Eze would never allow it. He was too decent of a guy. Fast and illegal money was not his way. I started seeing Mr. Pornstar on the side, behind Eze’s back. I couldn’t help it. All I knew was violence and wrong doing when it came down to relationships. Adding a drug addicted sex fiend into the equations made shit perfect for me. Eze trusted my dog ass so much that he never had a clue I was steppin’ out. He trusted and loved me so much that he proposed to me. TWICE!! I told him no both times. The first time, I told him I wasn’t ready, which was absolutely true. He gave me about six months and proposed again. I used the same lame ass excuse. A part of me wanted to be that girl for Eze, but Hoe Was Life for me at that time. I didn’t want to be trapped again. I was a punk ass bitch for not telling him the truth. I eventually made my piece with all that.

I’ve had some good ass men pass through my life after Eze, but he’s definitely my one that got away. I found that out a little too late. After another failed relationship with some nigga named Dre, it hit me. Lamar was never my “person.” Ezekiel was. By the time I got ahold to Eze’s new number, he was already married with a baby on the way. He always told me that he wanted to be a husband. He was the only one that actually followed through with the shit. I fumbled the bag and I regret that to this day. I hope that the couple on Married at First Sight would get the opportunity for the do over I never got. Come to find out, that couple never dated before. They were old acquaintances from college. They never even looked at each other that way back then. I’m still excited to see the outcome of their marriage. Just as I still sit outside and talk on the phone, wishing for a divorced Eze to pull up on me. How about you? I know you have at least one that slipped through your fingers. Let’s talk about it. Email me at jualeeah@jualeeworld.com or jualeeworld@yahoo.com