Surviving the Zodiac: Cancer
My life is surrounded by them so I definitely consider myself an expert. My mother, my big sister, and my male cousin that lives just six homes away are all moody ass July Cancers. Bryce, my first real boyfriend is also a cancer, but he’s a June baby. Meaning, he’s very different from the ones I deal with on a regular. Bryce and I are no longer in contact, but I have yet to find a death certificate to solidify my belief that he passed on back in 2010. Okay. Let’s not get mushy right now. Let me tell you about these bipolar individuals.
”They tend to be less experimental than other signs” says costarastrology.com. Baby this is no lie! So let’s start with my ex homegirl Mikaylah. I had no business going out of the country with her. She came up with nothing for us to do in Athens. Now I’m cool with being ill-prepared for a local ass Las Vegas or Miami trip, but over 2200 flight miles away? Yeah bitch! We need a plan! I had to force her out of the hotel room just to get her to the nearest beach. Her favorite thing to do while on vacation, so she claimed. After talking to Ryan, another July cancer, I gather that they are satisfied with just making it to the foreign destination. Exploring said destination isn’t really a part of their program. Mikaylah turned her nose up at me for trying grilled octopus with veggies, but claims to be crazy about calamari. I offered her a taste and she damn near jumped out of her skin! “Well then, get your nose out of my plate.” We never spoke again after that trip and Ryan never talked to his bunk mate after he returned home from his Mexican Riviera cruise. Mikaylah did attempt to contact a friend of mine for some reason. Probably to lie about her accounts of the trip.
Speaking of lying, I read “When it comes to cancer’s lies, it’s more about exaggeration and their inability to see the true version of events” states yourtango.com. That’s a nice way to put it. I have to start with my momma on this one. The lady can come up with a story as fast as she can blink. She swears she always says “probably” beforehand, but I’m here to tell you, not always…I’ll never forget when she told our whole family that my boyfriend was undercover! “Uhhh huh YES HE IS! And I do believe he’s going to marry her, but that will only be so he can have a baby! Then in about three years he’s going to tell her ‘he’s leaving’ and I bet money it’s going to be with a man. WATCH!” All this because he’s a nice dresser and doesn’t have a deep ass voice. We didn’t work out so I couldn’t prove her wrong. I wish though. Me and the snazzy Gemini had some good nights.
The chicks I know that love to lie on their boyfriends are also Cancers. Mikaylah stayed lying about how some man was head over heels for her and always just seconds away from popping the question. She had sense enough to magically lose contact with her girlfriends while she was in the relationship so none of us would know what was really going on. She would show up about a year later with some elaborate story about how they parted ways. One of them even had to go into protective custody! I wish twelve would have taken her lyin’ ass too. Then there’s Patricia. Her “I got a good nigga,” “I got a rich nigga,” stories used to give me migraines. She did manage to fess up to her tall tales after her good man got two women pregnant. One of the new mothers was his fiancé! I knew something was up all along. The stories just weren’t adding up. I’m a Virgo with two immediate Cancer family members…that makes me doubly intuitive.
Okay now I feel like I’m going way too hard on the women. It’s time to roast these cancer men now! “They love to create cozy safe spaces that serve as their personal sanctuaries, then spend a lot of time in them” states allure.com. I’m over here rolling my eyes right now. Nathaniel comes to mind. The last cancer I dated. His favorite line used to be “I coulda made this at the house!” Nothing used to piss me off more. We ate more than enough of his struggle meals throughout the week. Why couldn’t I enjoy my one night out on the town without his constant complaints of what he thought he could make. Another cancer that I met suggested, “We should link up tonight.” It was a Taco Tuesday which used to be a big deal in L.A. So I happily replied with “Of course! Let’s meet at El Torito.” He yelled back in response “El Torito?Shiiiidddd. I can make some tacos right here at my house!” Well damn. The tacos were just a dollar at that time. What did he think? I was going to order fifty of them? I really want to chop it up to Cancers being cheap and selfish, but that’s just the few I’ve come across. Except Bryce. He barely let me carry a purse when we were together. Man. The good ones really are all dead or in jail. Bryce has to be dead or I’m gonna kill him myself for leaving me in limbo all these years.
Unfortunately I couldn’t find any written evidence on my cheapskate theory. What I did discover in a “Do You Think Cancers Are Cheap?” chat room was “I don’t find cancers to be cheap, they will spend and they will buy very nice things, although they are very careful. But if they were used and hurt before, trust me, you will pay for what the other person did to them.” I found this on dxpnet.com. This hit me hard coming from the perspective of another Virgo. A lightbulb suddenly went off. Ryan purchased some very expensive chocolates from one of those overrated chocolatiers for a chick he’d been seeing for around four months. The chocolates weren’t received well. They were shipped so I could only imagine that they weren’t delivered as beautifully as they would have if they were hand delivered. No thank you was given nor was an Instagram picture posted. Just criticism spewed through the phone. Needless to say, Ryan put a stop to all gift giving. Even to those who were truly deserving. Patricia is a very giving person…to strangers. She’s good for hosting toy drives, and providing room and board for those in need. But when it comes down to her actual friends, we get taken advantage of. We get overcharged for food so that her bill comes out cheaper than what it should be. Our precious time blatantly wasted on her unnecessary procrastination. We even tend to fall prey to her selfishness since she genuinely believes she always knows best. Then Nathaniel, who spent two years with a lady that he claims dogged him all the way out with her manipulative and cheating ways. Well then I come along being all supportive, trustworthy, and encouraging only to get met with all the pushback and blockage that we both know I didn’t deserve. He wouldn’t still be Instagram stalking me if he felt he handled me to the best of his abilities. He’s also clingy so that makes it that much harder for him to let me go. It used to bother me but now I don’t mind his lurking. I’m poppin’ so he can definitely watch me from a far to see how badly he fumbled. That probably comes from the vengeful side of the Virgo in me.
I have a deep understanding of the zodiac Cancer. They’ve been front and center for my entire life. I love them. But I can honestly say that I don’t like them very much. Do you have any similar experiences with cancers? Or maybe dislike virgos the same way I do cancers? Let’s fight! Hit me up at Jualeeah@jualeeworld.com or JualeeWorld@yahoo.com
