I’m out of Practice!!

I haven’t put on high heels in a year and two months. And to be honest, that time doesn’t count because it was a dinner party. I was sitting down 95% of the night. I couldn’t pinpoint the last time I’ve been in heels and walked more than twenty-five steps. But for some reason, I was confident when I went to grab these six inch heels off my shoe shelf. Before Covid, I could run from a bullet in my high heels. NO LIE!! There was a shoot out right outside of one of my favorite clubs in Hollywood. These were high heeled strappy sandals at that. My ass sprinted to the nearest car and grabbed hold of the fender! My shoes are still in tact to this day, but those white jeans I had on had to be turned into some shorts.

I practiced in the house for about five seconds. Now you know that wasn’t enough time! But like I said, the confidence was on one thousand. I gave myself the once over in my full length mirror, then texted Chauncey to let him know I was in the car and on the way to the day party. These shoes weren’t necessary for this event, but the day party doubled as a first date. I wanted to look GOODT.

So here I am heading up Highland Ave. with my flip-flops on trying to get in the mood. I’m weaving in and out of traffic and cursing slow drivers out, all while blasting Rick Ross and LaTheGoat. I find parking less than a block away from the club. I open my car door to swap out shoes. I fling my sandals back into the car then stand up straight. My confidence drained from 1000 to a measly ten!

I stared down and the sloped asphalt. Cracks everywhere . You would’ve thought there was lava between the cracks if you saw the look on my face. Two parking attendants were checking me out from about twelve cars away. I just know they wanted to see me fail. I slam my car door and turn my purse into a crossbody bag. I can only focus on one thing right about now and my purse sliding of my arm was the least of my concerns. Deep breath and I took off.

My normal walk is way faster than this snail pace I’m performing across this parking lot. I’ve never fallen in the street, but I do know the embarrassment. I did fall off the pole my first year into stripping. This club downtown had a spinning pole that I’d yet to master. Well I jumped up there, and my body went spinning. I felt like it would never be over. I just wanted to get off, so I let go. I just wanted my ears to stop ringing and my vision back in focus. I couldn’t even face the crowd. I wanted to cry so bad. When I finally got the nerve to turn around and face everybody, there was unexpected money on the stage. I guess all the patrons were equally as embarrassed for me as I was for myself. Or maybe they all wanted to pitch in on my doctor bill. Nothing was hurt that night besides my ego.

But this parking lot wouldn’t reward me with dollars bills for my slip up. So my best bet was to take it easy. I felt good after passing the fifth car so I took my eyes off the ground and focused on the two attendants. They were smiling with approval. Confidence boosted to about 75%. I then turn to my right and what do I see? The entrance to the parking lot is red brick cobblestone! Every step towards the brick was causing me a shortness of breath. My pace slowed tremendously. I had to figure out how I was going to do this. I blended a bit of tip toeing with another move I have no name for. Step on a crack, break ya momma’s back. My legs contorted in directions that would surely get me hired with Cirque du Soleil.

I was finally back on regular ass sidewalk. I had to stop just to gather myself. I never want to go through this again. I might have to play in my heels at the house once a week like I used to do when I first started stripping. And I have hardwood floors now so this will be a lot easier than practicing on that shag carpet I once had. With a plan now set in that cobblestone, I was ready to ease on down the road. Off to the club I go. The side walk was pretty even, so I felt bold enough to pick my head up from the ground yet again. I was back to being myself. Then obstacle course number three shortly commenced. A car full of boys in an Impala…

Another deep long breath. ‘Here we go’ I thought to myself with an eye roll. Time to slow the pace yet again just to check out any prospects in the car. I had no business trying to multitask. My baby deer legs just matured only two minutes ago. To be honest, I was really trying to scope out the driver. I thought it was an ex-boyfriend of mine. He was always crazy about my legs. It wasn’t him. Time to speed up the pace a tad and get to impatient ass Chauncey. He’d called me while I was struggling in the parking lot so you know I didn’t answer. He had no idea how much I’d endured just to see him.

There are two separate lines to get into the club. I see women in each line. After my eyes darted from my far right then back to my left, I decided to fall into the line to my left. I couldn’t take anymore torture! Then I see a group of ladies exiting in the same line that I was entering into. ‘Of course I would choose the wrong line simply to make life easier on myself’ I thought. I stopped in order to turn on my heels, bear more pain, and tramp over to the line all the way on the other side. But my feet wouldn’t move. My eyes were transfixed on the silver trousers the first girl exiting the club had on. I recently purchased a mini skirt in the same material. The pants looked so much better on her. Then, the worst happened. I heard a scuffle. The sound of a shoe colliding with the sidewalk. A female voice yelling out “NO". Those silver legs that were once planted firmly on the ground were now up in air, aiming for the Heavens. My worst fear had happened right in front of me. If I would have kept walking, silver legs would have surely taken me down right along with me. God saves me every single time. She took my mind off of my own plantar pain and made me thankful that I slowed down and observed my surroundings.

Chauncey met me at the front door and thank God for him. I got to lean on him in order to give my body a break for a few steps. He led me right to the couch. My feet sang out! After a couple shots, I forgot all about any pain and was up bouncing around while recording myself. I even forgot about the walk back to the car. Luckily, knowing how gentlemanly Chauncey is, I knew I had a friend to lean on all the way back to the parking lot. I had a great night. And just to let you know, I’ll be putting on my heels right after this and bumping Saucy Santana’s “Walk” to regain my high heel brawn.

Have you had the same experience lately? Or by any chance are you the pretty lady with the silver pants? Hit me up at jualeeah@jualeeworld.com or jualeeworld@yahoo.com

I would love to hear your baby deer stories!